Health jokes
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
"Peppa Pig"-like pandemics.
I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.
It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!
What do queer guys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps!
Why did I cross the road to might get hit by a car or a bus?
What do you call an overly clingy child?
A tumor.
Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.
My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What is Stephen Hawking's best side?
The left.
When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
What do you call a group of depressed people?
Suicide squad.
Why is 2020 the worst year? Because COVID-19!
My family was like dinosaurs when they got COVID.
They both went extinct.
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What is black, white, and red all over? An interracial abort!
What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?
A war of nutrition.
Real Pokémon.
Anxiety evolved into depression. Depression was the final stage evolution.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.