Health jokes
"I need to go to the doctor!"
"Why?"
"It has a crack in it."
Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.
The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!
What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
A man bought steroids from Amazon.com... He was expecting a big package to come!
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
What did Eminem call himself when he lost weight?
Slim Shady.
Vape company: Hey, want some lung cancer and a nicotine addiction?
Teens: NO WAY!
Vape company: But it’s mango flavored!
Teens: O OK. 😤
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."
Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."
And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.
What’s the best part about stage four cancer?
There’s no stage five.
I love riding my bike 🚲.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.
What do a doctor and a girlfriend/boyfriend have in common?
They both break your heart.