Health jokes

What does a doctor do to make you better?

Helium.

Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.

If you're feeling numb, use your thumb.

I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.

So I ended up doing the YMCA.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweet-ment!

What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh for god's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.

Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!

How much did the liver weigh?

It weighed a skeleTON.

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.

It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!

Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.

Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.

Jig, Jill, Bill ate a pill.

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

Why did the rapper go to the dentist?

To get his fillings checked.

When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support: