Health jokes
Why did the bike fall over? Because I was too tired.
The bright side of this pandemic is now both my hands look equally chapped and raw.
Why do doctors use so much lipstick?
Because they love cos-medics!
What happened to the gator when he walked into the hospital?
He became Gatorade.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
His favorite drink was his dribble.
What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.
Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"
What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?
Seize your moment.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
What do you call a notorious special needs student with an extra chromosome?
The double trouble.
Why drink water and not bleach?
"I think my baby is so similar to me!"
"True, but the most important thing is that he is healthy!"
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
Q. What's an Alzheimer's victim's favourite song? A. Stand Down at Sundown.
Symptoms of Schizophrenia.
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two or more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
Me after Taco Bell: Go to: [link to image of broken toilet]
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Little Johnny and his mom were sitting in church one day when suddenly Johnny said, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!"
Then his mom said, "Go across the field and into the bushes, hopefully no one will see you there."
Johnny comes back a minute later, and his mom asks, "Did you make it?" Then Johnny said, "No, but there was a box by the door that SAID 'For The Sick!'"
I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!