Health jokes
Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!
What did the leper say to the hooker? "You can keep the tip."
If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.
If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.
What do depression and suicide have in common?
Nothing, they're both hanging.
When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."
Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.
What do you call a group of depressed people?
Suicide squad.
How do skeletons get COVID?
From the coffin!
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
What do queer guys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps!
What is Stephen Hawking's best side?
The left.
My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Fe fi foung better run and hide: Covid (really).
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
What do you call an overly clingy child?
A tumor.
Why is 2020 the worst year? Because COVID-19!
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?
A war of nutrition.
Real Pokémon.
Anxiety evolved into depression. Depression was the final stage evolution.
Why did I cross the road to might get hit by a car or a bus?