Health jokes

Yo mama so fat, she can't pick up a dumbbell... the dumbbell pick her up.

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

I am thinking of removing my spine.

It's only holding me back.

Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

Johnny Johnny?

Yes pa pa.

Eating sugar?

Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

How do you start a dance party?

Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!

Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."

Who is the first person an orphan sees? The doctor.

Yo mama went to Safeway to be safe.

Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"

Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.

Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?

Canned hunting.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.