Health jokes
What does a bird say when it gets sick?
I flu!
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
Could it be ligma?
Ligma balls, daddy!
What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?
You get salmonella.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
Memes
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?
Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.
Q: Why do Skeletons hate the cold?
A: It sends chills up their spine.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
What are all grandmas infected with? Defiantly not a parasite!
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh for god's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweet-ment!
What's the difference to a kamikaze and bin Ladin?
Bin Ladin survived when he went into a building. I have aids.
Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.
Have you ever wondered why you never see a gay guy in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to become a vegetable when you’re already a fruit.
Not a joke, but here's a good workout, I guess:
Sit-ups: 50
Push-ups: 40
Squats: 30
Do 5 sets.