22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
Got fired from the bank yesterday.
They caught me drinking on the job.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death? They get a discount at the crematorium
What did the iceberg say to the firefighter?
"Come close and I’ll knock you out cold!"
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.
But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.
Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?
He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.
You must be a Charmander. Because you’re making me hot.
Pokemon.
If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
Saying a Kobe joke after he died tends to ignite a fire in the people you say it to.
I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.
What do you call an emo kid playing with fire?
Forgot to clean little piece of dust.
Why did the homophobic boy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing away the bent ones!
Have you heard the 9/11 joke yet?... It was pretty fire.
God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.
People of Earth: *running and screaming*
Santen: *to God* Really?
