Fire jokes
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.
Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!
An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"
And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"
"Why?" says the bully.
"Because you haven't got a tower."
I threw a paralyzed kid into the fireplace and called him hotwheels.
Hi, I got fired. Oh, don't know which fire? Oh, the one that I got burned on, the volcano.
9/11 2001... that day was fire🔥
Below I meant to say I set the gay person on fire.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking hot body?
Cremation.
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
With their FIRE LYRICS!
My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.
Why are fire trucks big?
To hang out with the firefighters!
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
Chuck Norris lit a campfire, and humans saw the sun for the first time.
Osama bin Laden back from the dead!!! 💣💣💣💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🌇
What begins with F and ends with CK?
Fuck, I mean fire truck.
Q: How do you make a fire?
A: Oil and dead babies.
Did you hear about the man that got fired from his can job? It was soda-pressing.