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Man

Anonymous

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Puns

Anonymous

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.

Puns

BadAtJokes

i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

Neck

Sneakyjew

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Puns

Anonymous

Hey God what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire

sounds like a match made in heaven

Puns

Anonymous

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Fat

Anonymous

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

Puns

Anonymous

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home there were signs everywhere

Die

Death&Decay

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

Friend

Fire

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

Neighbor

Anonymous

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Yo mama

Big Boss Tom

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

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Animal

Anonymous

On the inside of a fire hydrant you’ll find H2O. What’s on the outside? K9P

Hotness

Anonymous

What do you call Stephen HAawking on fire

Hot wheels

Fat

Anonymous

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

Case

Anonymous

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

Forehead

Anonymous

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you’re a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder You’re bundled up now wait 'til you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire. How about yours? That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas I need to get myself away from this place I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

Kid

Splittingmean

Sixty years ago Stephen Hawkings teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams kids reach for the stars.

Stairs

Anonymous

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Ice

Anonymous

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes

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