i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calander factory. Lady: What did you do? Man: I took a day of…

Commander: "Fire a warning shot" Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher" Commander: "potato, potato, just fire" Soldier: fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school Commander: “They’re trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!”

Hey God what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire

sounds like a match made in heaven

What do you call Stephen HAawking on fire

Hot wheels

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT GET OUT!" Priest: "Ok, what about the children?“ Father:“FUCK THE CHILDREN" Preist:” Do you think we’ll have time?”

Sixty years ago Stephen Hawkings teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams kids reach for the stars.