There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot wheels.

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor…

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Why Was The Blonde Fired From The M&M Factory?

For Throwing Out the W’s

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

What do you call a red neck on fire. A fire cracker

What do you call a retard in a house fire?

Flame Retardant

I was staying over at my friends, for the purpose of the joke he shall be called kian. It was 03.00 am and everyone else was asleep when i heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it, Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge it was thought he had a huge slong. The banging was getting louder and so to was my heartbeat, i opened John’s door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked, there was a glory hole threw the wall where i could make it kians ass. This is what i have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards john. I shoved 1 inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, “you little gimp get on the bed”. Kian came in the room with a 2 litre bottle of irn bru, he demanded “what the fudge are you doing”. I replied smoothly "Kian you tracksuit warrior you have a camel toe" Kian fires back “shut it paul you have genital warts”. John screams "SHUT THE F... UP." He then gives us it so rough i can’t walk the next day, but feel pleasured for eternity.

By Lewis