Life

Anonymous

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Sound

Sneakyjew

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Puns

Anonymous

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

1

Puns

Anonymous

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.

Fat

Anonymous

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

3

Flat

Death&Decay

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

Puns

BadAtJokes

i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

2

Puns

Anonymous

Hey God what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire

sounds like a match made in heaven

Puns

Anonymous

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home there were signs everywhere

Neighbor

Anonymous

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Deep

Fire

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

8

Angel

Big Boss Tom

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

0

Animal

Anonymous

On the inside of a fire hydrant you’ll find H2O. What’s on the outside? K9P

Hotness

Anonymous

What do you call Stephen HAawking on fire

Hot wheels

1

Chuck Norris

Anonymous

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes

Stairs

Anonymous

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Chuck Norris

Anonymous

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

Offensive

Splittingmean

Sixty years ago Stephen Hawkings teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams kids reach for the stars.

0

Red

Lucky

What do you call a red neck on fire. A fire cracker

Shooting

dontask

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

9