There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

whats the difference between a bear with a gun and an American Man with a gun?

The bear has common sense not to fire it

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calander factory. Lady: What did you do? Man: I took a day of…

Hey God what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire

sounds like a match made in heaven

I love fire. My friends love it too. When i set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.