i use to work at a calendar factory but i got fired because i missed a few days

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Many soles were lost.

Hey God what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire

sounds like a match made in heaven

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

On the inside of a fire hydrant you’ll find H2O. What’s on the outside? K9P

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home there were signs everywhere

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calander factory. Lady: What did you do? Man: I took a day of…

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? – He took a day off.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.