Fire jokes
A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.
The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"
"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"
The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.
The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."
What do you call an orphan in a wheelchair running into fire? Hot Wheels.
I got hired to work as a camp counselor for kids with ADHD, but I got fired. I guess I shouldn't have introduced myself with "Welcome to concentration camp".
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?
He was a great veterinarian.
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing with the bent one.
What's black and sits on top of a staircase?
Stephen Hawking's after a house fire.
What do you call someone in a wheelchair during a California fire?
A steamed vegetable.
How do you get a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.
Falco: Dreaming of a day when I don’t hear people say I’m a knockoff Fox, knockoff Fox.
Fox: Dreaming of a day when you die in a fire and I get all your aerial skills.
Falco: Wat...
How do rappers stay warm in the winter?
They drop FIRE TRACKS.
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.