Fire jokes

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Have you heard the 9/11 joke yet?... It was pretty fire.

Why did the homophobic boy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing away the bent ones!

Saying a Kobe joke after he died tends to ignite a fire in the people you say it to.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

What do you call an emo kid playing with fire?

Forgot to clean little piece of dust.

Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?

He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.

If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.

But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?

They get a discount at the crematorium.

Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?

The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

Got fired from the bank yesterday.

They caught me drinking on the job.