Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"
Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the concert?
Because his lyrics were so fire, he needed protection!
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
Why did Daveon get fired from his job at the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.
Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?
Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.
Store owner: But still, why?
Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.
Store owner: Oh, I get it now!
Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?
The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
The Bigfoots had a campfire. One Bigfoot asked what should we roast next. The other replied, "Maybe a penis and a girl."
One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."
The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."
The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo a hippo is really heavy a zippo is a little lighter
I usually dont make 9/11 jokes. But they just are fire.
What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet? At least when a bullet kills someone it’s actually fired
