Fire jokes

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

You must be a Charmander. Because you’re making me hot.

Pokemon.

Saying a Kobe joke after he died tends to ignite a fire in the people you say it to.

What do you call an emo kid playing with fire?

Forgot to clean little piece of dust.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

What did the iceberg say to the firefighter?

"Come close and I’ll knock you out cold!"

What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?

They get a discount at the crematorium.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

I got hired to work as a camp counselor for kids with ADHD, but I got fired. I guess I shouldn't have introduced myself with "Welcome to concentration camp".

Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the concert?

Because his lyrics were so fire, he needed protection!

A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.

Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?

Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.

Store owner: But still, why?

Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.

Store owner: Oh, I get it now!

Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?

The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

The Bigfoots had a campfire. One Bigfoot asked what should we roast next. The other replied, "Maybe a penis and a girl."