Drink jokes

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?

Spoiled milk.

I had a dream about the whole ocean being filled with orange soda.

Turns out it was a Fanta sea.

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

Why does Hitler drink milk? Because he doesn't like juice.

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."

Q: What’s a koala's favorite drink?

A: Coca Koala.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

What's an Emo's favorite drink?

Water, JK it's cyanide.

Drop me in Afghanistan with a Dodge Challenger Super Stock, a Mexican named Jose, a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, a golden SCAR, a pack of chimichangas, and an M4A1, and I'll have the Taliban saying the Pledge of Allegiance in 4 hours.

A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"

You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.

What do you call a black person eating chicken, watermelon, and drinking Kool-Aid?

Reality.