Drink jokes
I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
What's a rapper's favorite drink?
RHYME-A-RITA
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
How does Daveon like his coffee? Decaf-eon.
Q: Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A: Because they're Santa's Starbucks!
What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?
Dairy free.
Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?
Why can't I drink tea??
Because I laugh too much. TEEEEEHEHEEE
Better to drink until you wave it off than to wave it down.
A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.
What is a rabbit's favorite drink? Hare wine.
A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 2 beers." The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guy's beer bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender, "Hey, what are you doing? I didn't order Bud Lights, I want Corona beer." The bartender replies, "Sir, I gave you a mix of Bud Light and Corona, and it's on the house, everyone is drinking Corona tonight."
Where do terrorists go for a drink?
At the Allahu-ak Bar.
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sodas? Yoo-hoo-hoo and Mountain Dew-hoo-hoo. What cola company should people get to keep him at bay? Pep-see-hee.
I've been drinking from a tall cup.
His teeth look like Twin Towers, Al-Qaeda blown him up.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because they can't drink Bloody Marys because they are vampires.
Why did the white girl come back from Africa?
Because there was no water for her to drink. I'm black.