80+ Coffee Jokes

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!

I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso expresso.

JK, it's bleach.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso espresso.

Nah, just kidding, it's bleach.

The image is a four-panel grid. The top left panel shows a single cup of tea with the word "Tea" above it. The top right panel shows three smaller cups of tea with the text "Some tea" above it. The middle left panel shows a single cup of coffee with the word "Coffee" above it. The middle right panel shows four small cups of coffee with the words "Some coffee" above it. The bottom left panel shows a drawing of a body with the word "Body" above it. The bottom right panel shows a scene from the movie "Shrek", with Shrek standing in front of his house with the text "Some body".

If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.

Expresso, expresso, no more depresso!

Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Answer: Depresso.

What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Dark, rich, and imported.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

Stormtrooper: What should we do with this coffee?

Palpatine: Brew it!

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

What's a depressed person's favorite drink? A dipresso espresso.

What is a cup called when they show a ton of emotions?

Answer: Expresso! (KILL MEH)

So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.

Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"