Coffee jokes
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!
I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.
Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
I like my coffee black. Just like my soul.
Depresso Exspresso let's be friends, please.
"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!
When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
It's called Costa Coffee because it's short for "Cost A lot for boiled, rancid dishwater."
How does Moses brew his coffee?
He brews it.
Good morning!
I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.
More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.
What do you call depressed coffee?
Despresso ;)
I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.
I want coffee like my men.
Dark.
A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.