Coffee jokes
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!
I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.
Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.
Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(
I like my coffee black. Just like my soul.
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.
Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.
Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.
My life is like... the shoe rack-
I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
Good morning!
The coffee was getting mugged, so it called 911.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
What do you call a coffee without water? Africano.
Ice cold coffee? Cool beans!
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?
De-calf!
My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?
Me: Yeh, of course.
My Bff: Ok which one?
Me: You know... the black one.
Me: Like my soul...
My Bff: Jeez you ok?
What do you get when I get mixed with coffee?
De-presso.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
Depresso Exspresso let's be friends, please.