Drink Jokes

i was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled " do you know CPR?" i replied "i know the entire alphabet!" we all laughed and laughed, well. except one person

What do you call a funny drink?

Punch!

the bear walked into the bar and said can i have a cola and a............wisky the bar tender says whats with the big paws

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

A rapist, pedifile, and a priest walk into a bar He orders a beer

What's a rapper's favorite drink?

RHYME-A-RITA

How does Moses make his tea? He Brews!!!

What's a queen's favorite drink? Royal-tea!

I got a job at the can factory but it is soda-pressing

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because my and the gorilla had too much to drink.

Knock knock who"s there? it's the grim reaper grim reaper who? The grim reaper who is about to come in your house smoke some weed drink some grim reaper liquor and then get drunk.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink. Dairy free.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Not a joke but still dc

Me, a Chinese woman and he BFF walked into a bar. I asked the Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!" Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”