( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.