Death jokes

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance party? Because he had NOBODY to dance with.

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!