I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
Death Jokes
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
What do you call suicidal Hitler?
Slitler.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits a car's windshield at 100 mph?
Its ass.
Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?
Because her neck was killing her.
NWA: Straight Outta Compton.
Kobe Bryant: Straight Outta the Helicopter.
what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?
I don't bowl.
Q: Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
A: Everywhere.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?
It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.
When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.
What do you call a zombie?
Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance party? Because he had NOBODY to dance with.
