Death jokes
Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.
I had a fun funeral / birthday.
The granddaughter wanted to see granny. She killed herself.
What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a fly? It's the sound they make when they hit the windshield.
While writing my suicide note, I got a paper cut... it’s a start.
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?
A lazy bones!
What's white, red, and screams a lot?
A baby in a blender.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
Why can’t orphans have milk?
Because their dad never came back.
What did Stephen Hawking's computer say when he died?
"ERROR"
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
No one:
Literally no one:
Abraham Lincoln: *dies*
John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*
What do parents and dark humor have in common? Some get it, and some don't.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11... Allahu Akbar!
It hasn't been the same since Kobe died. I can't say "Kobe" anymore when going to shoot a shot. Now I have to say, "Kobe crash!"
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."