My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree.
Too bad he left him hanging.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Roses are red.
My soul is black.
I am never getting my dad back.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
