Death jokes

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

Q: Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?

A: Everywhere.

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?

The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance party? Because he had NOBODY to dance with.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

God, I miss Stephen Hawking.

He was brainier than Kurt Cobain's ceiling.

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.