Death jokes
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"
Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."
I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.
A bullet is like an arrow.
Nothing can stop it from going through your head.
What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".
The tree never responded; it left him hanging.
Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!
Too bad it's a dying trade. :)
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
This is not really a joke, but it's a question.
If life is a movie, then is death life? Is we seeing the trailer right now?
Yo mama was so fat, the Earth was flat before they put your mama in a grave.
I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.
Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
Tell your adopted kid you want to take them back home and tell them their original parents want them, and get them all excited, then take them to the orphanage and tell them their parents died.
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
I fucked a Pokemon the other day. It is dead now.