Death jokes

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance party? Because he had NOBODY to dance with.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

Me: Cobain!

Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.

Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.