Death jokes

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance party? Because he had NOBODY to dance with.

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?

The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.