Death jokes

Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?

A: A suicide bomber.

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

Why did Peter Parker take Gwen Stacy to an orthopedist?

Because her neck was killing her.

NWA: Straight Outta Compton.

Kobe Bryant: Straight Outta the Helicopter.

I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.

But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

God, I miss Stephen Hawking.

He was brainier than Kurt Cobain's ceiling.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.