Death jokes

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your grandpa, he crashed the plane.