Afterlife jokes
where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere!
Cremation,
The last chance for a smoking hot body.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
exactly
Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
Wow, Heaven's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...
I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
Technoblade be doing skyblock in heaven now.
Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.