Afterlife jokes
20 years later
Johnny: Hey dad.
Dad: Yea?
Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!
Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.
Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.
Dad:...
"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno
Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!
Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.
Teacher: Why not?
Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.
You're so poor that you die and go to the backrooms.
I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."
Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.
Why did the student at Blacktown Girls cross the road? To go to heaven. HAHAHA
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"
If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?
The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.
God, you’re having a good day?
Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.
Stephen Hawking couldn't make it to Heaven because there were stairs, so he rolled down to Hell.
He couldn't take the stairway to heaven; he had to take the lift.
Should I burn heaven?
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
The orphans all died!!!
Oh wait, no one cares...
Their parents are all dead anyway. We are just making them happier. They get to join their parents in hell.
What do you call two skeletons dancing in a tin can?
Noise!
Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?
Heaven always has 5-star reviews.
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"