Afterlife jokes
One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"
You call it Hell. I call it Saunaworld DX.
To Drew the Devil,
We NEED to talk RN. I'm very mad at you, and we need to talk.
Angry Alex
As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"
Ever wondered how Jesus got rid of the cross that killed him?
Burned it in a hellish fire to make some firewood.
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
'cus there was only a stairway to heaven!
Why Satan didn't stop sending messages to God about hell?
'Cause they made a juice out of him.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
What did one ghost say to another ghost?
"You're boo-tiful!"
Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?
Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.
Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.
Teacher: He did not.
Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.
Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.
Suzy: Then you can ask him.
I killed myself, then woke up.
"Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because everyone's dying to get in!"
Your mama is so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirit.
Why are there gates on a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get inside. Lol
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode, and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.
Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.
"What the heck are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep."
You see a cat, it's dead, you are dead.
You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????