Cemetery jokes

A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."

Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry.

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?

Burial grounds.

Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.

The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.