Crime jokes
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.
What do you call an orphan with parents?
I don't know... what?
Kidnapped. :)
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll-up.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
The details are SKETCHY! :)
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"
Here is a joke: Rape.
What does a beaten woman do when she comes home from the hospital?
Dishes if she knows what's good for her health.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
"Terrorist, that’s a little strong. We call them private militaries."
I like to commit arson as a recreational activity, you?
Why do orphans hate Ted Bundy? Cause he's the most wanted.
Why can an orphan never get picked up?
Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL
I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.
Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?
I was blessed with a 9-inch dick. Fair to say that priest is in jail now.
What's the difference between babies and onions?
You don't cry cutting up babies.