Russian jokes
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don鈥檛 walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
What do you call a Russian man with three balls?
'Whodya nikabollokov'
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."
The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."
The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."
The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
Gather 6 friends to play Russian roulette, and one's mind will be blown away.
A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...
"What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"
Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."
"Oh, right. How's it going?"
"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."
"Wow! What about NATO?"
"They haven't turned up yet."
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland, what are you when you are IN the bathroom?
European.
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
You鈥檙e Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?
European.