Russian Jokes

Anonymous

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

3
Anonymous
in Russia

Russian history in 5 words: “And then things got worse.”

friend

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree

2
gun

If you bet on Russian roulette even if you win you still lose

Anonymous
in Politics

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

King tee

What do you call a Russian man with three balls? ‘Whodya nikabollokov’

vladidaddy
in Darkness

What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?

Russian malls

Dark Death

if at first you don’t succeed Maybe Russian Roulette isn’t for you

Anonymous
in Animal

Where animal does Russian milk come from?

moscows

random person

(found on web) There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”.

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see… Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach… “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”

sad russian

you want to know the bad thing? only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette

Anonymous
in Country

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled “vodka” and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled “beer” and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive,slipped,and said, “oh shit”.

3
The B cam

Why shouldn’t you buy Russian underpants ?
Because Chernobyl fallout .

watersharky

Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He’s making a list, He’s checking it twice… You better leave out some Vodka with ice!

Z$

If you’re American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian

vlad

how many russians does it take to change a light bulb. I don’t know they just keep Putin them in.

🦑
in Puns

You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?

European

Emily
in Puns

imagine the russians showing up late to the 1917 revoloution with a tsarbucks in hand. they were late so I guess they weren’t russian. They were probaly stalin.

Anonymous

A very rich and famous comedian walked in to a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him:

  • This vodka isn’t good enough for you.
  • If it is good enough for you it is gudonov for me!