Russian Jokes

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."

If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?

Russian malls.

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."

The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."

The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!

You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.

What do you call a Russian man with three balls?

'Whodya nikabollokov'

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

Where do animal does Russian milk come from?

"Moscows".

You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?

European.

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He's making a list, He's checking it twice... You better leave out some Vodka with ice!