Russian jokes
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."
The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."
The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."
The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!
What do you call a Russian pharmacist?
"Ivan Astichestykov."
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
What do you call Joyce when she's running from the Russians?
Winona Hider.
What do you call a Russian man with three balls?
'Whodya nikabollokov'
Where do animal does Russian milk come from?
"Moscows".
A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
Zelensky: I'm begging for Russian forces to withdraw from the whole of Ukraine.
Putin: Crimea river.
What does a "Smart Russian" and a "Unicorn" have in common?
Answer: Non-existence!
What is a Russian joke?
Something that will be funny for Russian people.