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What’s red and cries?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
When a kindergarten teacher asks a kid to sing the alphabet, he said "ab3defg." The teacher said, "Do you like 3D?" He said, "Yeah." The teacher yelled, "Okay, do you have a 3DS?" He said yes. The teacher goes into his bag and says, "Say ABCs or your 3DS will be destroyed." He says, "ab3defghijlmnopqrs." "Oh, he learned well." The teacher threw the 3DS out the window. The kid gets it, and it still works. Then he googles ABCs. It goes to YouTube and says, "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz." The teacher is proud of the 3DS. The class went home telling parents.
Why do elephants paint their toes red, blue, green, orange, brown, and yellow?
So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.
Gun + Backpack = Fun!
every dorito bag for orphans is family sized
I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.
Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!
What's rap boats got in common with plastic bags? They both a danger to young children.
So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂
What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?
A sad news story.
I have a big bag of Doritos in the kitchen it's only people who are skinny but the fat people can't have none all they do is suck it up like a lollipop.
Orphans and punching bags are almost the same. They get both Hit but punching bag is still wanted
I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:
1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.
I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.
I hope you have to pull hard on a candy wrapper only for the bag to pop and have the candy fall on the floor.
Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?
She lost her ass playing poker...
Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*
Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.
Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?
I lost my bag. :(
Son, you are not precious so pack your bags because someone else is going to adopt you
Dad, what do you mean someone else will adopt me
Son, your adopted
