Bag Jokes

How can you help a llama on holiday?

Alpaca your bags.

What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?

"Alpaca my bags."

Plastic bags look like you, dirty and fake.

Life is like a bag of jellybeans.

Nobody likes the black ones.

You know what you could use? An orphan as a punching bag.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Spooktober meme!!!

The image shows a text that says, "When you've killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a stake when you start to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy." Underneath the text is a blurry picture of the character Elmo looking confused.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

What is blue and wiggling on my floor?

A baby in a bag.

What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common?

They both are plastic and like kids.

Quiet Kid: *reaches into bag*

Teacher: EVERYBODY RUN!

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.

The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”

The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”

The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”

Why can’t organs have a family bag of chips?

Because they have no family to share it with.

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

What's green and has a thousand nipples?

A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.

Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?

The quiet kid: AK-47.

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."