Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter

My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”

Peanut butter 🧈

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak

My Smoothie Ingredients -Bananas -Strawberry -The Blood of my ex -Peanut Butter

What did the bread say to the peanut butter? I think your nuts

There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted

There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says hes gay- he can’t be tho… he’s allergic to nuts!

What do you call a sandwich 🥪 full of envy?

Peanut Butter n Jealousy! 😂

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass

What looks like peanut butter and jelly,and makes a woman scream? Afterbirth

What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

How do you find out about the accomplishments of the former president of the united states James Earl Carter? read the label on the jar of skippy peanut butter

What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of you mouth, while the other one doesn’t!

How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up.

I like peanut 🥜 butter 🧈 and honey 🍯

Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

The weekly family zoom call went well enough…until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little…plump. By the 20th week the 16 year old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.

“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”

She started crying. “No, Tommy’s the father! I’m so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it’s been so lonely here without you…I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn’t help myself! And Annie’s been missing her boyfriend at college, and it…it just sort of got out of hand.”

“It’s okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You’ve been isolated for months, up there.”

She wiped her tears away. “I can’t believe how understanding you’re being about this. When we get home I’m making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren’t eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!”

He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn’t wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. “These things happen.”

sso i was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids table i stood up and i threw a opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled. “25 kill streak” 🤣😂

Yo momma so hungry that she ate ur peanuts