My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.
I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.
I like my women how I like my wine.
14 years aged and locked in a cellar.
My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
Who can drink 20 liters of fuel without dying? A jerrycan.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
Could a parking garage also be called a broom closet?
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.
Yo mama so fat, when she took a picture of herself, her phone ran out of storage.
If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.
Why was the computer so good at golf? Because he had a hard drive.
How many children can you fit in a box?
Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snowbank.
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
I started a band called 1023 megabytes - We still haven't gotten a gig.
