Bag jokes
I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.
Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!
What's rap boats got in common with plastic bags? They both a danger to young children.
What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?
A sad news story.
So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂
I have a big bag of Doritos in the kitchen. It's only for people who are skinny, but the fat people can't have any. All they do is suck it up like a lollipop.
Orphans and punching bags are almost the same.
They both get hit, but a punching bag is still wanted.
I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:
1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.
I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.
I hope you have to pull hard on a candy wrapper only for the bag to pop and have the candy fall on the floor.
If you're ever in need of a punching bag, just go to your local Alzheimer's unit.
They'll forget you were there in like three minutes.
Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?
She lost her ass playing poker...
Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*
Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.
Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?
I lost my bag. :(
Son, you are not precious, so pack your bags because someone else is going to adopt you.
Dad, what do you mean someone else will adopt me?
Son, you're adopted!
What's the difference between an orphan dying and a bag of groceries being dropped?
While most agree that both are unfortunate, people actually care when they drop their groceries.
What is the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. :)
My friend Joe was a great hunter. He always shot like 3 deer every week.
He was even better at school when he bagged 30 of them.
When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?
I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.