Aed jokes

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What's the darkest point in the universe?

The inside of a KFC.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? -- Because the octopus was well armed.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.

What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?

Not Sally.

I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.

How dairy!

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?

They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

What is burned dark and glued to the wall?

A bad electrician.

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?