Aed jokes

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

How do you make a fruit punch?

You give it a pair of boxing gloves.

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."

I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?

Reports say there's a small medium at large!

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What's the darkest point in the universe?

The inside of a KFC.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? -- Because the octopus was well armed.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.