Silence jokes

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"

Girl: "Dude, this is a library."

Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Dad!

Dad who?

*Silence*

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?

A: Nothing! He was hung over.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

People judge me because I'm quiet.

No one plans a massacre out loud.

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.

What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?

One stays quiet forever...

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

What did the mute man tell the blind man?

Nothing.

Yo mama so ugly!

The mime broke his 30 year streak of silence!!!!

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

What do you call Helen Keller in a pitch black, sound proof room?

Unnecessary.

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

What's the best thing about a blowjob?

- The silence.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.

A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."