Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Me: (pointing up in the air) "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" Girl: "dude, this is a library" Me: "oh" (screwing on a silencer)
Knock Knock! Who's there? Dad! Dad Who? *Silence*
Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. -- I didn't want to interrupt her.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says "doctor I have a confession". The doctor asks "what is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis". The doctor looks at her and asks "anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies "no, just a penis".
Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals. In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky. The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
why cant you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? because the "p" is silent
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Here’s another joke my friend told me.
What did the school shooter do when the libraryin told him to be quit? Pulled out a silencer.
what do baby’s and grenades have in common?
They both are silent but then when thrown at someone make a loud noise
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
the pterodactyl went in my bathroom and peed. when I was in the shower, i couldn't hear it. Why? because the "p" is silent
Me: Knock Knock
Person: Who's there?
Me: No-one
Person: No-one who?
Me:...........
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her
