Aed jokes

Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

Yo mama so stupid she studied for a COVID-19 test.

Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.

Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?

A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”

Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."

What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer.

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts.

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?

Reports say there's a small medium at large!

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What's the darkest point in the universe?

The inside of a KFC.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? -- Because the octopus was well armed.