Accident Jokes

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

So Helen Keller walked into a bar, then a stool, then a table, then a door...

Jack and Jill went up a hill his condom ripped and now they are from Alabama

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

Why did Sally fall dead?

Because she was on top of a tower and fell because she had no arms. Hahahahaha!

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?

The bus driver hit Sally.

What's yellow all over and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

I got hit by a bus.

But the bus was my ex.

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?

Everywhere.

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.

The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.

A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"

"Sure," said the little boy.

The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.

"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."

There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!

Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.

Why did Gemma fall off her bike?

She got hit by a fridge.

What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?

With a pitchfork.

What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.

So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"