Accident jokes

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I’d make a Kobe joke, it just wouldn’t land right.

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, she was electrocuted.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!

I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.

He slips, he falls, he dislocates his balls!

What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?

About 40 mph.

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.