Accident jokes

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?

He got ran over by a bus.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.

A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?

Why did the plane go to KFC?

To lose its wings and crash!

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

What song does Kobe Bryant hate?

"Rocky Mountain High."

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

What do you call plane crash victims?

Down to earth people.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.