Accident jokes

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.

A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.

Q: A guy walks into a bar, what does he say?

A: Ow!

Looks like McSkillet McKilledIt.

One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.

I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, she was electrocuted.

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

What did one twin say to the other?

"Watch out for the plane!"

Why did the plane go to KFC?

To lose its wings and crash!

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.

I’d make a Kobe joke, it just wouldn’t land right.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.