Accident jokes
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).
A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”
My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.
What song does Kobe Bryant hate?
"Rocky Mountain High."
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.
While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
Q: A guy walks into a bar, what does he say?
A: Ow!