Accident jokes

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?

He got ran over by a bus.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.

A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

What do you call plane crash victims?

Down to earth people.

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

What song does Kobe Bryant hate?

"Rocky Mountain High."

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.

Why did the plane go to KFC?

To lose its wings and crash!

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.