Nun

cynthia

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

Depression

Anonymous

My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day…but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

Explosion

Anonymous

Loud explosion inside the tank

“Where’s the commander?” “He’s gone.” “Where has he gone?” “All over the place.”

Puns

Big man John

Person: I broke my arm in three places

Doctor: well don’t go to those three places then.

Chuck Norris

Anthony

Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but chuck Norris does.

Name

your dad

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

Cannibal

Yummy.

What’s a cannibals favorite place? A day care

Cow

Lisia

‘’ What place can you always find suicidal cows at? ‘’

“Mc Donald’s.”

Number

Daniel King

What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?

Roamin’ Numerals.

Find

joe mama

I can’t find out where Stephen Hawkings is from, I just can’t place his accent.

Orphan

Anonymous

Why can’t orphans play at a McDonald’s play place? They don’t have parent supervision.

Octopus

Sandy Cheeks

What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting?

Octopied.

Common

sumdude

What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain’s garage have in common? There’s brains all over the place

Wet

KiritoHD

Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.

Die

A nut.

Alright kids! Find a good places to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

School

Anonymous

I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women’s rights book in the fiction section

High

Bear

If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered suislide?

Asking for a friend.

Difference

Anonymous

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you’re a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder You’re bundled up now wait 'til you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire. How about yours? That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas I need to get myself away from this place I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

Sister

Scott

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun : “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man”? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says : Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says : “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. “Pssst - hey Bernie”!, she says. Sister Bernadette asks : “What is it?” A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says : “Do you mind if we swap places”? Sister Bernadette replies : “What for”? Sister Carmel says : “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your ass in there”!

Baby

Anonymous

Whats worse than placing 10 babys in a trash can?

Placing 1 baby in 10 trash cans…

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