Accident jokes
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Why did Harry fall out of the boat?
Because he's hooked!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.
Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Because they thought they saw their parents. (Plot twist: the orphan got ran over.)
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.
What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.
What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.
When a kindergarten teacher asks a kid to sing the alphabet, he said "ab3defg." The teacher said, "Do you like 3D?" He said, "Yeah." The teacher yelled, "Okay, do you have a 3DS?" He said yes. The teacher goes into his bag and says, "Say ABCs or your 3DS will be destroyed." He says, "ab3defghijlmnopqrs." "Oh, he learned well." The teacher threw the 3DS out the window. The kid gets it, and it still works. Then he googles ABCs. It goes to YouTube and says, "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz." The teacher is proud of the 3DS. The class went home telling parents.
My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"