Traffic Jokes

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.

Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova.

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... Until they are flashing behind you!

Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.

-JFK

I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.

What did one traffic light say to the other?

"Stop looking, I am changing."

Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.

When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.

The toilet paper tried to cross the road. He couldn't because he was stuck in a crack.

Why didn't Sally get home from work?

She got hit by a bus.

A man is pulled over by a police officer.

The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"

The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The officer says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.

The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"

The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Why did Joey drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)

What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”