Accident jokes

USS Liberty. Never forget.

It was bombed and destroyed by the Israeli airforce. Thirty-four dead, 171 wounded. The official story says “accident,” yet an American flag was clearly visible on the ship.

Motive: An attempt to cut off our foreign intelligence on Israel? Blame the bombing on an Arab country?

Just imagine if any other nation bombed an American ship...

A husband and wife are crossing the street. The husband is explaining to the wife why you should always look both ways before crossing the street.

Man: "So you see, Dolly? You should always look both ways before crossing the street."

The man turns and looks to his wife, but she is not there!

Man: "Dolly? Dolly!"

The man looks around and sees Dolly laying dead on the street.

Man: "Dolly!"

I’m about to tell you the funniest joke I heard:

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The operator then hears the problem and says, “Well, let’s make sure he’s dead.” A shot is then heard. The other guy says, “Ok, now what?”

Did you laugh?

The first child, Daisy, asks her mother why she is named Daisy. The mother said, "That's because a daisy fell on your head when you were born."

The second child, Raindrop, asked why he is named Raindrop, and the mother said, "That's because a drop of rain fell on your head when you were born."

Then the third child, Cinderblock, said, "fxg,kxf dsdsvtg,hjer,btjh,rbtsvikvsdtxde43f."

Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.

I like the iceberg... my favorite character was the iceberg!

Why did Sally drop her ice cream cone?

Because she got hit by a bus.

My pee pee fell off.

I accidentally walked on the Lego Batman mask.

I want my fucking feet back!

I will remember my classmate's last words: "Ahh, my pen's ink spilled on my computer!"

Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?

They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.

I farted, try me. You farted? Oh no, we all farted.

The plane crashed, but I did too on a pillow.

Pooooooooooop!

Why did the chicken cross the road because he wanted to get run over and poop, and he died for 30 years until he was sent to Joe for getting run over, and he got killed by something, and then he died, and then he got it by you poop.

What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

Why are the 9/11 survivors the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went down 109 stories in 10 seconds.

Stephen Hawking died because he got hit by a RAM.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid slip on a plum.

I look to my right and died of laughter because I did the same!

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"

A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.

The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"