Accident jokes
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
I'm Gay.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔
Poopies in my undies.
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
What did the chef on the Titanic scream as he tried to finish the dishes? "Oh no, the sink sank!"
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
Three blondes were walking on a path. The first blonde said, “Hey, look, there are deer tracks!” The second blonde said, “No way, those are totally duck tracks.” The third blonde said, “Nuh uh, those are...” Then they got hit by a train.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.
I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.