You jokes

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

You are the reason double doors were invented.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

Two pedophiles talking to each other:

"Do you got two fives for one ten?"

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"