You jokes
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
I would roast you, but you don't have any meat!
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
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Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?
Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
Two pedophiles talking to each other:
"Do you got two fives for one ten?"
Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."