You Jokes

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.

Good girl.

A man is sitting on a couch with his arm around a woman whose mouth is covered in duct tape and her hands and feet are tied. The text says "This could be us but you keep escaping."

Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.

Two pedophiles talking to each other:

"Do you got two fives for one ten?"

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”