Birthday jokes

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

What is the difference between a tree and "walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk home"?

Was your birthday?

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

What did Sally get for her birthday? A football!

Only joking; she hasn't opened the box yet.

Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?

A. An easy bake oven.

I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.

What did Sally get for her 18th birthday? A brick.

Why did she get a brick? She hit 18.

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye, matey!

So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,

"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”