You jokes
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
Memes
A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”
The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.
“It’s really not your day, is it?”
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.
It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".
If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
You are the reason double doors were invented.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.