You jokes

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special Forces.

What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.

Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

A: They tend to crash and burn.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.

It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".

If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

What do you call a dwarf police officer?

A guinea pig.

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

Have you ever tried North Korean food?

Neither have the North Koreans.

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

You are the reason double doors were invented.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.