You jokes
A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
You are the reason double doors were invented.
It's that time is year again!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
I would roast you, but you don't have any meat!
What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?
Are you ready kids?
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.