How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?” The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Dark Humor: Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap Son: Mom, I'm blind Mom: Exactly Inspired by my derp other half
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan (one), you've seen Ahmal (them all)."
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.