And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
You Jokes
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
Have you ever tried North Korean food?
Neither have the North Koreans.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What do you call a creepy IT teacher?
A PDF file.
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
