You jokes
What do you call a blind German?
A notsee.
What do you call a high school student?
Alone and depressed.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
Can't wait to meet you!
So join the Depression family!
We open real soon!
Try best to hold onto sanity!
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?
Are you ready kids?
Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?
I’d really like to meter.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said that you would never forget!
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”