You jokes

What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?

You get a milkshake!

What do you call a terrorist in a kids' swimming pool?

A bath bomb.

Can't wait to meet you!

So join the Depression family!

We open real soon!

Try best to hold onto sanity!

What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

What do you call a blind German?

A notsee.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit roll up.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?

Ashtraynauts.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.

Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.

What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

What do you call a creepy IT teacher?

A PDF file.