You jokes
Why can’t you tell JFK facts about Dallas?
Last time he was there, he got his mind blown.
You so fat you got thrown out the window, but the window threw you back inside.
Did you know they made a porn site for pirates?
It's called Heavy Arrrrrrg.
House for sale: five minutes from the beach or eight seconds if you fall.
What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?
Matt!
What do you call a goldfish that got third place? A bronze fish.
What do you call a binder with no rings?
What do you call a rapper who's also a scientist?
RHYME-STEIN.
I told my emo girlfriend, "Do you like the lights?" Oh wait, she ain't got any.
Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
How do you punish a blind kid?
Rearrange the furniture.
When do you know your dad knows you are sneaking out? He hears the loud creaks.
Your hairline is so back when the police saw it, they had to arrest you.
Orphan: Have you seen my mommy?
Person: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes?
Person: SON SON??? IS THAT YOU MY LOVE?
Orphan: MOTHER!
Person: Let's go home!
Orphan: Uhhhh
*She was never to be seen again*
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
So, this woman woke up since she had a bad dream and was yelling about her bad dream. Then, in the bed, her husband woke up and said, "Hey! You just woke me up in a sweet dream!" She said, "Oh, sorry babe." Then she asked him what his dream was about, and he responded like, "I was with a woman; me and her was in the middle of dreamy sex; you just ruined it!" She said, "AAAAh!" He asked her what her dream was about, then she replied as, "I was trying to suck a man's penis, and a cock trying to get cummiee out of it!"
I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.