You jokes

How do women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.

What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

If you're gonna razor yourself, you might as well have shaving cream.