You jokes

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."