You jokes
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.
Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?
A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not coming anyways.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.
I love you like my cuts.
Deeply.
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking hot body?
Cremation.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.