You jokes

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.

How do you make a fruit punch?

You give it a pair of boxing gloves.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?

Ginger! You racist fuc-

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.