You jokes
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?
A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
What do you call a swimming terrorist?
A bath bomb.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”