You jokes
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
•Terminal
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.
What do you call a swimming terrorist?
A bath bomb.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
Friend 1: Eyyy gurl
Me: Hey! (Fake smile)
Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?
6 hours later
Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?
Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?
Not Sally.
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
what do you call a retard smoking weed?
a baked potato.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.