Woman jokes
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
"Hippoty hoppity, women are property."
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Why are gay men better than straight women?
Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.
What do you call a white woman working at an all black company?
Crack/her
I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.
Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.
There used to be Wonder Woman.
Now we wonder, what is a woman?
How do you know Adam and Eve were white?
Have you ever tried taking a rib from black women?
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right.
What do you call a crowd of horny white women?
Cotton waiting to be picked.
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.