Road jokes

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

Why did the depressed person cross the road?

To get run over.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.

Why did the vegetable cross the road? He didn't, he just sat there.

Why did the octopus cross the road?

To get to the other TIDE!!! 🤣🐙🐙

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

Hop in.

Why can't the orphan play the game of life? They don't know what a family road trip is. 😆

They named a road after George Floyd. It was a dead end, though.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.

The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"

The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

What did one traffic light say to the other?

"Stop looking, I am changing."

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.