Woman jokes

Easy way to get away from rape is to become the rapist. All women need to carry a 12-inch dildo and a gun!

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Why are there no women in the NFL?

Commissioner Roger Goodell firmly believes in equal opportunity, so the girl tries out. Then, if she makes the team, we gangbang her to death. I mean, could you imagine what a scary birch she'd have to be?

There was a woman sitting with me.

I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.

I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.

What’s another name for cumming in a woman?

Loading the dishwasher.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them, haha!

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

She left, and now I support women's rights. I will kill her.

For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.

That’s unfair! Now the man only has 30 cents!

A woman was in the Twin Towers. She orders a pepperoni pizza but got a plane pizza.

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

9/11 was probably just a woman pilot.

The man told the women, “Roses are red, violets are blue, you suck cock and you enjoy it too.”

Then she said that's true.

When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

What's it like to have the best daughter in the world? You'll have to ask grandma!