Watch jokes
Lemme just say one thing:
Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.
Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...
And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
What do people with cancer always want to watch?
"Finding Chemo."
What is the difference between white people and Africans? The white people watch "The Hunger Games," the Africans live it.
What Disney movie does the church make little girls watch?
Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.
If you have a friend that will not leave you alone about something, just simply tell them: "If you watch something, have you ever thought that you're in a movie when you watch a movie?"
Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Why do many New Yorkers like watching Spider-Man?
Because he’s always on the webcast.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
Let's hope the new tower doesn't go plane watching like the old ones.
North Tower: "Hey, South Tower, we can talk later; I gotta catch a plane!"
When your friends [are] talking about sports:
Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁
Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱
Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Balloon 1: Watch out for cactus!
Balloon 2: Where is cactussssssss?
A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
Why can't an orphan watch T.V.?
Because it can't find the home button.