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Lesbian

    • Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out. ... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

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    • Hitler

    • So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

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    • Documentary

    • I was excited to finally watch the new documentary on Netflix. It was about Pessi’s UberEats career.

    In the trailer, Pessi delivered food to French farmers. I watched the documentary and got shocked when I found out how finished Pessi is. He delivered one Pizza in 44 attempts.

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    • Toddler

    • A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

    She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

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    Alphabet

    • Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

    Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

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    • Nun

    • Why do nuns walk in groups?

    So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

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    • 911

    • I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

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    • Time

    • I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"

    Kamikaze

    • What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

    "Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

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    • Gentleman

    • "Poor old fool," thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink.

    The gentleman asked, "So how many have you caught today?"

    The old man replied, "You're the eighth."

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