Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?
Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
Nothing, you told her twice.
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
Violence is never the answer:
It's the solution.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Where did Sally go when the explosion happened?
Everywhere!
You know what I hate about rape?
Keeping it a secret.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.
1 hour before:
So let me get...
Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!
Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*
