Violence jokes

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.

How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

If you’re ever bored, then go outside and punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell, their parents?

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

What do you call terrorists in a wheelchair?

An RCXD.

What do you call a white kid at the back of the class?

School shooter.

Yo mama so fat that Will Smith could slap her from a mile away.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?

Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

Where did Sally go when the explosion happened?

Everywhere!