Violence jokes

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”

Kid: “Whatever!”

Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”

Kid: “Doesn't matter!”

Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”

Kid: “Oh well!”

Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”

Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎

I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."

My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Teacher: Alright kids. 50, 49, 48, 47. What comes before 47?

Kid: AK!

Everyone else: 🚪 🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏽🏃🏿🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏽🏃🏿🏃🏿🏃🏿‍♀️ 🎒 🏃🏻

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

"Rape[is] the only sign of world peace in this life."

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw it.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

What do you call a violent fish?

A smackeral!

If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

Why did Sally get a black eye?

Because she tried to play patty cake.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."

What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?

Reload... chhchhhh.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"