Ups jokes

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?

A human chandelier.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I chop up onions.

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"