Ups Jokes

Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

The image is a comparison between a "Girlfriend" and "Uranium-235" each with a list of properties. Both are "Unstable", "Will split up on you", "Hard to find", and "Expensive". The girlfriend "Cannot be used to make atomic bomb" but the uranium can.

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?

A human chandelier.

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I chop up onions.

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest.