Mathematician Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

3.14% of sailors are...

π-rates.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? -- The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. -- 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "you mathematicians don't know your limits."

Why don't Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry

If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm.

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumeference. He acquired his size from too much pi

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

I had a conversation with a Möbius strip. -- It was one-sided.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

How does a mathematician get tan? -- sin/cos.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

What does the B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoît B. Mandelbrot

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