Ups Jokes

My mom said i need Jesus in my life, So I drunk up the holy water ;}.

Someone at school judged my grammar. I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up and I'll see you on Monday

Digging stuff up is too hard

Guess Necrophilia isn’t for everybody

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun Silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I chop up onions

A Horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Q:what's the hardest thing about losing your virginity A:making sure she doesn't wake up

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's dad said "that's Mr.wiggles". Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's mom said "that's my garden". Timmy's mom said don't look up. Timmy looked up. Timmy said "What are those?". Timmy's mom said those are her headlights. Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said don't look under the covers. Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?

I used to date a girl named Ruth but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. the farmer says "I milked your cow". the neighbor replies "i have a bull not a cow"