Ups jokes

Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

There was this man, and he forgot about his wife's birthday. She was very upset and said that her present should come as fast as 1-200 by tomorrow. When she woke up, she saw a present in the bathroom. It was a scale.

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

To make up her mind.

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

It’s so sad because Stephen Hawking can’t even stand up for himself after all these mean jokes.

Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

Guy: Robin

Bank owner: Your last name?

Guy: Debank

Bank owner: Robin Debank?

Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

Everybody asks, "What's up?" but nobody asks, "What's down?"

Hitler walks into his meeting room, turns to his trusted staff, and says, “I want you to organize the execution of 10,000 Jews and one kitten.”

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up. “Mein Fuhrer, why do you want to kill a kitten?”

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Jews.”

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

Two cows were hiding.

One said: "Moooo."

The other one said: "Shut up! We're hiding!"

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?

Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.